Cry me a river build me a bridge do us all a favor and jump off of it.

A northern fairy tale starts out "once upon a time.." A southern fairy tale starts out "y'all ain't gon' believe this shi*t!"

Do you know why there are so many blonde jokes? Because the brunettes have nothing better to do while all the blondes are out on dates.

I been turning fellas heads since I first started walking but you just been giving fellas headaches since you first started talking.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Arguing over the internet is like the Special Olympics: even if you do win, you're still retarded.

Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. donate it to the salvation army instead. They'll clean it & put it on a hanger, Next morning buy it back for 75 cents!

I respect vegetarians and their decisions, but my thinking is ~ I'm on top of the food chain here, so if I can get it, I can eat it. if a cow figures out how to kill me and eat me, more power to him!

Cancel My Subscription, cuz I'm sick of your issues!!

Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP

Don't get high on life: cereal hurts when it gets stuck up your nose

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.